Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Church of New Things (Or Laptops Acting Like New Things)

My beloved Dan Bejar once sang that "the truth is a thing to coax out of its shell." Well, a few days have passed since the "coffee on laptop = FML" incident and the truth has finally emerged from its shell...I better blog about this quickly before it goes back in. At the time, I blamed Dan Bejar for raising my hopes by singing (the moment I turned on my car) that "everything's going to be alright, it's going to be alright" when the douchy hipster at the Apple store had assured me that the laptop was royally fucked, that it would never turn on again, that I would have to buy a new one, and that everything most certainly would not be alright.

Yes, it's been a few days since CoffeeGate2010 and the fact that I'm not communicating with you via telepathy should alert you to the fact that my laptop still works! Hells yeah! Take that, Apple-hipster with your wrist cuff and your skinny jeans that are baggy in the ass because you consider cigarettes to be a cardio workout and your ipod bud in one ear where you are probably listening to Arcade Fire instead of listening to customers with their annoying problems and your hipsterly sneer. I should have known: I mean, who are you going to believe? Dan Bejar (the man, the myth, the poet-rocker legend) or some guy whose claim to fame is working at the Apple Store in Champaign-Urbana? Exactly.

Yes, I need to sacrifice some chickens (or, I don't know, maybe some heroin?) on the altar of the Church of Dan Bejar. My laptop seems to have emerged relatively unscathed, which is a sure sign that it is protected by an aura of pure awesomeness. Yeah, it smells of rancid coffee, and yes half of the lights on the keyboard have been extinguished, but it has taken a licking and it is still ticking (or whirring). (Granted, Apple-Store Boy has guaranteed me that my laptop won't last more than a few days...but I choose to live in the moment and in this moment my laptop is rocking at life).

So thank you to my beloved friends who soothed my laptop woes by either a) taking me to Arby's for some fortification b) lending me a mini laptop and some delicious red velvet cupcake to boot or c) giving me advice re: putting my laptop in a bag of rice, etc. etc. I am a lucky girl, and it's not just Dan Bejar who's smiling (smirking?) down upon me.


  1. I feel that this blog is shifting from "Hip Replacement Commentary" to "Dan Bejar references".

  2. I'm on a Destroyer kick, though admittedly the whole "broken laptop" thing was a bit of a detour from the "broken hip" thing I'm supposed to be talking about.