Friday, October 15, 2010

Snakes on a Cane - The Highly Anticipated Sequel

For the past six months, I have been in the market for a new cane. Before my most recent surgery, I didn't want to get a new one, even though mine makes an ungodly clinking noise when I walk and the handle is falling apart faster than my plans for a more robust dating life. I figured that if my gluteus medius got fixed, I eventually would be able to walk unaided and I should save my money for dealing with Vancouver beer prices ($4.50 for a warm PBR! Seriously, people!). But since the reattachment didn't work and I'm still legitimately half-assed, it looks like the cane will be my permanent +1. It's time to upgrade to a better model. Or at least a model that doesn't leave little gummy bits of handle rubber on my palms that resemble snot. (I know. So sexy).

I've been down the cane-buying road before: the cat-themed canes; the sword canes (I can barely manage to not kill people with my regular cane. Lord help us all if I ever get one with a lethal weapon inside); the canes with a silver skull on the handle (unless it shoots lasers from the eyes, not interested); the ones made of lucite or topped with a wolf/eagle/dragon/mudflap girl/dolphin. Seriously, I like dolphins and all, but who likes dolphins enough to put up with brass dorsal fin sticking into your palm every time you try to walk? And also, someone needs to put a disclaimer on those canes that have the mudflap girl on them that if you use one, that's going to be the only naked girl riding on your shaft for the rest of your life. (Too far? Too far.)

No, I attract enough attention walking down the street as it is. What I need is a cane that blends into the background, like some kind of a secret service agent. A cane that says, "I have a permanent disability, so stop asking me if I've sprained my ankle because if I hear the phrase 'Gosh, what did you do to yourself?' one more time I am going to shank someone" while also saying "Oh, and by the way, I'm not 90 years old and can still bring the hotness." A cane that does its job as a mobility aid but doesn't look like a lifestyle choice.

You'd think this would be easy: go online, find a cane that's tall enough and unobtrusive, purchase it and have it arrive to my door thanks to the power of the internets. No. Incorrect. For one, the website design of most online cane stores looks fresh from a Geocities fan page circa 1996 and it's nearly impossible to navigate any of them. Plus, just out of principle, I'm not buying anything from a store that has a GIF of a snowman dancing along the screen or that claims to be marketing its products to the "enfeebled."

The second problem, however, is that I've discovered that most canes have names more suited to sex toys and I cannot take them seriously. Here are some examples:
  • The Black Mamba
  • The Tuxedo Night Stick
  • The Blackthorn Premium Knob
  • Mylord With Grapes
  • The Magician's Wand
  • The Regency Scrimshaw Bulb
  • The Lady Blowing Horn
  • The Alpaca Horn of Plenty
  • The Burgandy StripTease (not even kidding)
  • The Powder Pink Soft Touch
I'm sorry, but do I want some delivery person coming to my house and asking my mom if she'll sign for a Power Pink Soft Touch with adjustable shaft? No. No I do not. It's not happening. Alas, I have a feeling that the Great Cane Hunt of 2010 is going to last longer than SurgeonWatch 2009. The excitement around here really never ceases.

8 comments:

  1. Mylord with Grapes? Hahaha!

    Good luck with your cane search! Don't they have cane stores somewhere where you can take them for a test walk?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Alpaca horn of plenty is really piquing my interest here....

    I hear you on the cane issue - I used crutches (similar to the ones you used when we were at high school together) for my first 10 years and they were cutting edge at the time. They were silver with grey plastic and though boring, they didn't resemble the "I sprained my ankle" Red Cross models. Mine were... "Polio Chic," if you will.

    My boss's wife has a disability and recently she started using forearm crutches because I suggested they'd be more stable than a cane but more rockin' than a walker... and damn if she didn't get the coolest crutches I have ever seen! They didn't have those when I was a kid! blue custom molded plastic on the grip and the handle, blue powder-coated aluminum...

    They said "Don't mess with my crutches, foo'" while at the same time saying "and I DO give a &%$# what I look like" at the same time.

    Any thoughts to rocking a flame-adorned cane a'la House? Or one with an eyeball, a la Ryan Knighton?

    ReplyDelete
  3. fashionablecanes.com has a few canes that I like.

    A knitting buddy linked to your blog. I dunno if you do anything fiber related like knit/crochet/sew but I'm in the process of crocheting some cane cozies. I know it sounds dorky but dammit, if I have to use one, I'm going to make a fashion statement. Of course, due to my health issues, wearing fashionable clothing is a joke. Anyway, one cozy has wild colors and I've strung on beads throughout, the other has all sorts of shells attached as it's for a friend that loves collecting sea shells. So if you find a cane that does what you need it to but you don't like any of the decorations available, you can make your own.

    ReplyDelete
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