Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I'm Back! Kind of. Maybe.

After a six-month absence, I seem to have broken the cardinal rule of blogging, which is to post on a regular basis. I also broke the second cardinal rule of blogging, which is don't start a blog about your semi-detached ass, but I think I get a free pass on that one.

So, after 224 posts spanning several hundred pages and nearly 2 years, why did I suddenly go AWOL? Was it because my hip magically healed itself, my gluteus medius grew back and there was nothing more to write about? Nope. Was it because I got tired of making jokes involving puns on the word 'half-assed?" Unlikely. That shit never gets old.

In truth, there were several reasons, but the main one was that I just got busy. Right now, I have 3 jobs, 2 volunteer positions, a book coming out in the Fall and a cat who sits on my chest and slaps me in the face when I'm sleeping if I don't pay enough attention to her (true story). Plus, now that I'm living in Vancouver, land of "Would You Like Some Sky-High Rental Prices To Go With Your Seasonal Affective Disorder-Inducing Climate?", a girl's got to hustle to make ends meet.

Honestly, I was also getting tired of talking about my hip replacement. After two surgeries, months of rehab, and countless people approaching me on the street to ask what's, like, wrong with me, I wanted to get off the Arthroplasty Express and spend a little time in Normal-28-Year-Old-Chick-Doing-Normal-Shit-Town. (Okay, yes, I know. 'Arley' and 'normal' go together as well as 'Vancouver' and 'sunny days.' But still!) I was beginning to get known as That Girl Who Had A Disastrous Hip Replacement instead of That Girl Will Publish Her Second Book By 28 or That Girl Who Looks Totally Awesome And I Wonder If She's Single.

It all reached a boiling point when a guy I used to play wheelchair basketball with was like, "Arley's so obsessed with her hip. She doesn't talk about anything but her hip. She wants to have sex with her hip." I kind of freaked out and vowed to stop blogging that night. Working in wheelchair sports and having played them for most of my life, you get to know a lot of people with disabilities. 95% of those people are well-adjusted and generally awesome -- or well-adjusted but kind of douchy, it varies -- but there's a small percentage who seem to see themselves as A Disabled Person, as if that's the only thing about them. I didn't want to ever become the kind of person who devotes the bulk of their Facebook status updates to being like, "OMG! It is so hard being disabled! Recently, someone said something that could possibly have been perceived as discriminatory and I am going to freak the fuck out and go on an exclamation-point-fueled rant about how people are so ignorant and it's a good thing I'm so strong and brave and can overcome the weight of society pressing down upon me! P.S. I just got pink butterfly stickers for my wheelchair and they are totally rad." It's a problem whenever you can boil your identity down to a single phrase, whether it's 'disabled' or 'cat enthusiast' or 'a warlock with tiger blood and Adonis DNA' (#winning), and I didn't want anyone thinking of me as someone who's obsessed with her disability.

Also, not going to lie, it's a little disconcerting to be like, "Good news! My blog gets over 5,000 visitors a month. Wait, bad news! 86% of those visitors are just here for the 'sexual healing' post I did on post-surgical sex positions, which means that there are a lot of sick fuckers out there jacking off to cartoons of old people getting it on to the point of hip dislocation." (Side note to whoever Googled "Arley McNeney naked" and/or "Arley McNeney boobs": If you need the help of Google to locate my boobs, you are probably never going to see them in real life. And by 'probably' I mean 'absolutely.' And by 'absolutely' I mean 'Seriously. Really. Eww.') Bottom line: if I'm going to be helping some guy get off, I want to at least be enjoying myself in the process.

So those are the reasons why I left, but here are the reasons why I'm back. (Maybe. Hopefully. Depending on how the whole 'having 8 million jobs and trying to have a social life' thing pans out). First, my mom has been on my case about it forever. (Hi mom! Love you!). Second, however, my friend J.T. (no, not Justin Timberlake, though he and I are pretty close) is having a hip replacement tomorrow and we actually have the same surgeon. Don't worry, it's not the guy who did the first surgery!

One of the cool things about "Young and Hip" has been hearing from people all over the world who are thinking of having a hip replacement or have already had one or who are supposed to have one but now I've terrified them and they'd rather drag their arthritis-stricken hips through hot lava than go through with the surgery and wind up like me. (To the latter group, I have this to say: Despite everything that happened, I wish I'd had the hip replacement years ago. If I'd had my surgery on a different day or with a different doctor, you would never have heard about me because I'd be off living my life thinking, 'Hey, remember that mildly-to-moderately painful time in my life when I got a hip replacement? That was so worth it for all the awesome shit I'm doing now.')

Anyhow, while I've heard from tons of different hip replacement patients, I've never known anyone in real life who's my age and about to go through one. And considering all that J.T. has been through to get the surgery, I thought I'd give her a little shout out to wish her luck. So, good luck J.T.! Here's hoping that you recover quickly and are soon back to living the dream. Hip precautions may be annoying, but three months is a short period of time and soon you can throw away your ass cushion and post-hip-replacement sex manual and enjoy life as a pain-free bad-ass cyborg. Keep me posted!

11 comments:

  1. Yay- you're back!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Now that shit was funny!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Happy your back!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Welcome back Cuz.
    Love your writing!
    I also have my own fond memories of 'Skinner the Sinner' and the GrandLady who taught all us kids to spell cat 's-h-i-t'.
    Rick

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yay! Arley's back! I'm thrilled and it is not because (a) I want to see your boobs (not that they aren't probably awesome, but ewww) or (2) I am one of the 86% who needs sexual healing (double ewww)or (c) I need a new hip (at least not yet). It's because I love your writing and you make me smile. : )

    ReplyDelete
  6. Before the determination was made to try out virtually any unconventionally physical exercise system, It's a good idea to do a very little homework 1st. The purpose of the subsequent review is usually to offer a number of methods frequently asked questions concerning the well-liked trx for sale Headgear Coach workout method.
    The concept regarding TRX Revocation Coaching was a idea of the past You Deep blue Close off and his teammates. Most of these significant athletes needed a moveable, flexible and effective strategy for residing in ideal Trx Suspension wherever the adventures could be.
    Fitness at any place, designer along with owner with the TRX, warranties it truly is goods with regard to one-year protecting any disorders around supplies as well as skillfullness. Also, cheap TRX for sale items have a very 30-day satisfaction ensure if you're the item isn't for you.
    The particular TRX insides coach is a adaptable as well as easy exercising procedure for convenient efficient exercises for strength training, main steadiness, flexibility, in addition to metabolic teaching. This Cheap TRX is very easily transportable and so now you may exercise anywhere: at your house, on a trip, for the store, or even at the gym.

    ReplyDelete
  7. When supply outweighs demand you would uncover a fundamental economic law which would steer down the price of Cheap Trx so as to generate greater sales.
    Color has been one of the selling points for Trx Suspension Training.
    In general, a unisex or gender neutral appearance; a man or woman can wear black-on-black TRX suspension trainer and not look too masculine or feminine.
    This is a popular brand of TRX For Sale and with good reason.
    This brand offers one of the best Trx Workouts in the world in an exciting range of cutting-edge designs, styles and colors.
    Another make of may use harder, cheaper metals, which could scratch and damage genuine trx suspension training Another make of may use harder, cheaper metals, which could scratch and damage genuine trx suspension training With the Murano trx suspension training, the genuine article has been heat treated to be extremely tough and durable.
    This oversaturation in the market has companies fighting to get hold of trx straps sale, inspiring them to take measures which are usually not seen in the conventional purchasing environment.
    When supply outweighs demand you would uncover a fundamental economic law which would steer down the price of cheap trx for sale so as to generate greater sales.

    ReplyDelete
  8. They've already created these TRX Australia with the youthful, fashionable, and hip in head.
    The trx workouts line is more known for its artistic work and elegance in design than anything else.
    Each piece you see on display is a masterpiece in itself and a reflection of trx australia's artwork.
    This brand Trx Workouts is an ideal choice to buy as the designs are always novel and never go out of style.
    One can buy authentic trx workouts and accessories from reputed stores that offer a complete range of this brand.
    You can also buy this trx Australia line from online stores which makes your shopping more easy from the comfort of your home.
    So make sure you dress up this season with fashion that's filled with the hottest and latest TRX workouts in the market.
    TRX Australia is a prime American design house that specializes in a big clothesline.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Their Trx Suspension Training are polished and top of array.
    One can buy authentic Trx For Sale and accessories from reputed stores that offer a complete range of this brand.
    You can also buy this TRX suspension trainer line from online stores which makes your shopping more easy from the comfort of your home.
    So make sure you dress up this season with fashion that's filled with the hottest and latest TRX For Sale in the market.
    trx suspension training is a prime American design house that specializes in a big clothesline.
    They've already created these TRX For Sale with the youthful, fashionable, and hip in head.
    The range is actually excellent and provides an extended type of fancy and serious cheap trx that could be donned to any occasion for that polished everyday look.
    They have the latest in trx for sale collection and people will discover excellent cheap deals on the products.

    ReplyDelete
  10. trx workouts are nothing but pendants that you can attach to any form of jewelry you like.
    When these are trx pas cher, the excitement just gets doubled.
    Most chic looking TRX Australia are in fashion now.
    A revolutionary online retail store with a difference, yes I am talking about the trx australia.
    Be it gifts or Trx Workouts it provides the essence of style and quality that can't be justified by words.
    trx Australia offers you a wide variety of charms.
    Let's just have a look into some of the pas cher trx that may interest you.
    These are only a few, there is whole host of trx workouts that are available and can easily ship them for you at very nominal rates, as per order.
    Most of the TRX workouts present here are actual collectible jewellery items.
    Possessing a TRX Australia is a matter of pride and a matter of envy for the onlookers.

    ReplyDelete