Monday, August 30, 2010

Not Taking This Sitting Down

I apologize for the radio silence. I hope no one thought that I had been attacked by a gang of rogue physio oldsters agitated into a jealous rage over my progress at physio. (Don't worry. I keep a bag of lint-covered peppermints in my pocket for such an occasion). No, the reason for my absence is that even though my ass is pretty much still stuck in bed, the power of the internets means that I'm kept on my toes by work, socializing (hey, Skype counts as socializing) and various internships.

Right now, two things are keeping my bed's ass groove firmly indented:
  1. The whole "brand, spanking new hip joint makes sitting and standing painful" thing, plus the fact that hip restrictions make doing cool things less cool (we all remember the sex manual, yes?).
  2. I know very few people in Vancouver (or, at least, very few people who I can't guilt trip into coming to visit me), which gives me little-to-no incentive to put on clothing that did not come courtesy of my former national team's Nike sponsorship. (Hey, no one said that the 'it' in "Just Do It" couldn't refer to eating frozen grapes while watching Alton Brown teach you how to cook a perfect porterhouse steak). I mean, if you're going to spend 15 minutes wrestling your jeans on with a grabber, you should probably go somewhere better than "to the mall to look at clothing you cannot try on without the aforementioned grabber, thus filling you with the rage of small animals."
Factor #1 is still in play. Those of you who are familiar with my neverending battle against my anti-ass know that I have never liked sitting. I like it even less after someone recently chiseled out my hip's ball and socket and used power tools to install a new one. Here's how I sit:
  1. Lug around an ass cushion 4 times the size of your laptop, which is great fun when you're still walking on crutches.
  2. Lay the ass cushion on a chair, though the fact that it is bigger than the surface of the chair will almost guarantee that it will fall off at some point in time.
  3. Try to lower yourself (without breaking hip precautions!) on to the chair. When the ass cushion falls off or slides out from under you, you will not be able to adjust it without breaking hip restrictions or reaching for your grabber. Since you do not want to ask someone to reach between your legs and give your ass cushion a good yank, you will settle for riding a four-inch-thick square of foam side saddle.
  4. Perch on the terribly askew ass cushion with your bad leg stuck out and your back jammed against the backrest so that the bones of your spine are bruised, requiring you to stick one hand behind your back between your spine and your backrest, like Napoleon in reverse.
  5. Realize that you look like some sort of broken life-sized marionette.
  6. Or like a contestant on America's Top Geriatric Model. (The only people who sit worse than I do are models in fashion magazines. I suspect they, too, are plagued by the scourge of ass bruising).
  7. Or like some sort of gout-stricken king after feasting on an entire roast pig and swilling jugs of mead.
You can therefore see why it takes a lot more than boredom to get me out of the house.

This week, however, I've finally received the motivation I need to leave the comfort of my room: my friend S., who recently moved to Vancouver from Australia to do a four-month internship. She was staying at my place for awhile and I'm assuming that she did not move halfway around the world to get the grand tour of my favourite daytime reality TV shows. It was time to put on my big girl pants and head out into the real world.

S. moving to Vancouver, by the way, is all part of my master plan. See, I have a great many talents: picking things up with the toes on my right foot (they are like monkey toes!); making French buttercream; injecting business correspondence with the appropriate dash of "You Attitude." The list goes on. But meeting new people? Not really a strong suite. Nine times out of 10, I will knock something over with my elaborate hand gestures and the person will assume I have a meth addiction. Solution: Bring all my old friends to Vancouver! (Are you listening, people of Champaign-Urbana?)

Granted, S. and I did spend a significant amount of time watching Dexter re-runs online. But I also went on my first real post-surgical the Richmond Night Market. Why I thought that I should take my first non-physio-or-doctor-related trip at a place jammed with thousands of jostling and shoving people, many of whom are carrying squid on pointy sticks, I don't know. I do know, however, that I was able to maneuver past the stalls that specialize in handmade false eyelashes, past the accupuncturist who boasted of his ability to cure "Human Pain," past the snake exhibit and the rows of LED-lighted T-shirts that light up in time to music, past the stand after stand carrying delicious dim-sum goodness and potato chips on sticks. I tasted victory and it tasted like chocolate-pudding bubble tea!

The next day, I even went to my friend T's house with S. (and my ass cushion) to eat a delicious dinner and fawn over her cats. For ages I've had a standing appointment with my bed and suddenly I've sprung back into action. Make way, real world. I'm slowly creeping my way back towards you.


  1. S sounds like a really cool, awesome person. :) yay I made it to the blog !! (2nd apprearence i think you'll find .. no biggie

  2. I'm listening! I'm looking for jobs near there but nothing's coming up yet.

  3. Simply because we almost never can training, obesity amounts possess grown to be able to incredible levels in our land plus more people these days are generally death prematurely by trx exercises, diabetic issues in addition.
    For most individuals, the best types of work outs to take part in are cardiovascular workouts including strolling, running plus working, some year trx training

    study produced by your College connected with Alberta has revealed in which weightlifting pertaining.
    Prior to the final decision was designed to test any kind of unconventionally training program. The purpose of this critique is always to give a few methods common questions with regards to the preferred trx suspension training
    Headgear Teacher workout system.
    The theory intended for TRX Suspensions Instruction appeared. These kinds of significant players wanted a conveyable, multipurpose and effective means of keeping in the best possible health exactly cheap trx where its quests may be.
    Conditioning Wherever, creator as well as retailer of your TRX, masking every problems with resources as well as artistry. In addition, buy trx
    products and solutions employ a 30-day fulfillment assurance if you are the item will not be for you personally.
    Many people feel, the actual TRX bring the all-inclusive home fitness space, however wherever promoted stands out will be as a valuable accessory for a present work out schedule. Your cheap TRX for sale revocation Teacher continues performing exercises clean as well as entertaining!

  4. This oversaturation in the market has companies fighting to get hold of Cheap Trx, inspiring them to take measures which are usually not seen in the conventional purchasing environment.
    When supply outweighs demand you would uncover a fundamental economic law which would steer down the price of Trx Suspension Training so as to generate greater sales.
    Color has been one of the selling points for TRX suspension trainer.
    In general, a unisex or gender neutral appearance; a man or woman can wear black-on-black TRX For Sale and not look too masculine or feminine.
    This is a popular brand of Trx Workouts and with good reason.
    This brand offers one of the best trx suspension training in the world in an exciting range of cutting-edge designs, styles and colors.
    Another make of may use harder, cheaper metals, which could scratch and damage genuine trx straps sale Another make of may use harder, cheaper metals, which could scratch and damage genuine trx straps sale With the Murano trx straps sale, the genuine article has been heat treated to be extremely tough and durable.
    This oversaturation in the market has companies fighting to get hold of cheap trx for sale, inspiring them to take measures which are usually not seen in the conventional purchasing environment.