Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Don't Call Us, We'll Call You: The Battle of the Medical Secretaries!

A few days ago, I wrote how SurgeonWatch2009 had culminated in his secretary calling me to say that they wanted to perform a third MRI. At the time, my reaction was a big ol' WTF because I had already undergone two MRIs in three weeks. (Clearly, my surgeon must have shares in The Learning Channel because he's intent on zapping my baby-making apparatus with so much radiation that in ten years my child will be starring in the hit series "The Two-Headed Boy Who Glows In the Dark And Shoots Lasers Out of His Eyes.")

Well, it turns out that I'm not the only one scratching my head over the decision. Today, I called to try to book my third MRI only to find the magnetic imaging department thrown into great chaos over the request: (well, okay, probably "great chaos" is a little too strong...maybe mild-to-moderate bewilderment). The MRI office expressed uncertainty about whether the surgeon had actually read the report, since they had pretty much scanned all there was to be scanned in my hip area and were of the opinion that my hip has had more pictures taken of it than the Gosselin sextuplets and there's no need to take any more. They won't schedule the MRI until the surgeon speaks to them directly. The secretary noted in classic I'm-trying-to-be-professional-but-I-really-want-to-go-off-on-a-bitch-speak that Dr. ___'s office is "not quite the easiest to get ahold of" and that they hadn't been "exactly forthcoming" as to why they wanted the MRI. They suggested that perhaps I would have better luck getting ahold of someone at the office (hah).

So, I put on my verbal boxing gloves, listened to "Eye of the Tiger," ran up and down the steps a few times Rocky-Balboa-style (read: I walked downstairs and got a Diet Coke, which took me 10 minutes, since stair-climbing is not my strongest suit) and went back into the ring for Round 28599 against Dr. ___'s secretary. To my surprise, she answered. When I explained my predicament--that no one would schedule the MRI until Dr. ___ talked to them directly--she became annoyed and directed her rage to the other secretary: "Oh, that woman is so...you know...she just keeps calling and I've tried to explain to her..." (oh, the nerve of those secretaries trying to do their jobs in a prompt and efficient manner!). Apparently, Dr. ___ "just walked in the office for the first time all week" and she would get back to me today. I must be psychic because the number of times I've called at the exact instant that Dr. ___ has just walked in the office for the first time all week is really quite impressive, as is the number of times I've called at the exact moment when she was just about to pick up the phone and call me back.

So, once again, another roadblock has been thrown up in what should be a pretty normal process. I can't get the MRI until Dr. ___'s office leaps into action and, if the lessons of history mean anything, then I can expect them to pick up the phone roughly around Nov 20th 2012. That means that SurgeonWatch 2009 is back on. Just in case my telephone campaign doesn't bear fruit, I think I should start tuning my guitar, finding myself a fringed leather vest, smoking a bunch of B.C. bud and getting ready for a good old-fashioned sit-in. Perhaps I should also practice sitting cross-legged (which I can't do) on the floor (which I also can't do), while police officers haul me off to jail (which would probably cause a hip dislocation). Hm. Can you stage a sit-in on a comfy non-ass-bruising chair or does that cost you street cred?


  1. I... just... I don't even... GAH. I WANT TO PUNCH YOU SURGEON IN THE FACE. Lawsuit him. Lawsuit him NOW.

    (I would lay claim to being called "Erin" on your blog, but you know several, so... whatever you think best to keep calling me.)


  2. Geez Louise! What unimaginable crappadoola. I've been trying to think what type or genre your blog would fit in, and these last few entries read quite a bit like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry David is always encountering all kinds of medical 'professional's' lunacy.
    Also, call me Karo on the blog if you want. Also AKE would work, being my initials.