Tuesday, August 4, 2009


America is trying to break up with me. Given the recent economic woes, it isn't surprising that the U.S. is giving me the old "it's not you, it's me" and promising we can still be friends; (what? You mean an MFA in Creative Writing isn't a valuable asset to the market?) If I don't get a job that directly utilizes my MFA in Creative Writing (try not to laugh), I will be deported and find myself on the first bus back to the True North Strong and Free. Don't get me wrong, I love Canada, but I would take gainful employment over Timmy Ho's. I suspect the only job I'm qualified for in Vancouver is one of those prostitutes they're going to need so many of when the Olympics rolls into town. (My business cards could read "Now with 500% more hip flexion!")

America, however, has under-estimated my ability to cling and I plan on clinging harder than Jessica Biel on Justin Timbertake. While I'm holding out for an NTT gig, I applied a few days ago to a local community college in a last-ditch effort to secure a teaching job. The application was mostly straightforward, but the Affirmative Action survey did bring up an interesting question: now that I've had the hip replacement, should I still check the box marked 'disabled?'

My disability used to be avascular necrosis. Now, however, the avascular necrosis is gone. That makes me un-disabled. Problem is, I am more limited mobility-wise than I was before the surgery. How able-bodied can you be when you're walking downstairs backwards? That makes me....re-disabled? Differently dis-abled? Under construction? Sucking at life? There was no 'sucking at life' button, so I checked "disabled" and went on to the next question, which required me to choose between "white" and "nonresident alien" as my ethnic/race identification. Nothing's easy!


  1. I don't want you and America to break up. Could I pull a Parent Trap on you?

  2. I can only imagine what mad-cap hijinx would be required to Parent Trap an entire country.