Friday, August 7, 2009

Sexual Healing!


When I get that feelin,' I want...a handout of approved and non-approved sex positions complete with creepy eyeless people demonstrating how to get it on.

I am a little past the six-week point in my recovery, which means that I can safely resume sexual activity. The good news: I have spent the past six weeks on my back and am pretty much an expert in that category. The bad news: the fact that I have not ventured out of my house except to rendevous with the old men at physio suggests that the odds of me meeting that special someone are not so great. (And, given the fact that I can't shave my legs for another 6 weeks and am covered in rashes, anyone wanting to get it on with me would probably have to wear industrial-strength gloves and hire Mariah Carey's airbrushing team to give me on-the-spot touch-ups).

But luckily, if I did meet someone ready and willing to assume the position, I have a handy guide to Hip Karma Sutra, which I've kindly shared with you in case you want to add some new moves to your repetoire (or just give yourself nightmares from examining the sexy hand-drawn models on the diagrams, who do not have eyes or mouths, but do have ears, '80s hairdos and exaggerated surgical scars). This two-page handout details the ins and outs (ha ha) of how to get your freak on without winding up back in the O.R. (Because that would be awkward: "Uh...honey....You know that reverse-side-saddle-cowgirl move you were rocking awhile back there?...And how I was screaming?....")

Frankly, I'm not sure I want to have any sex that a) cannot involve bending, twisting or lifting and b) seems to require the assistance of dozens of pillows, a hospital-approved flow chart, a protractor to measure the angles and perhaps a degree in kineseology or engineering. I'm surprised this handout didn't come with a CD of Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits, some aromatherapy candles and a half pound of rosepetals, because that's what you'd need to overcome all the awkwardness of having to cross-reference your moves with what's written on a piece of paper. And so, I will look forward to September 23rd, when my hip restrictions will officially be up and I will be ready to unleash my inner slut. **Just kidding mom and dad!** Men of the Lower Mainland (or Champaign-Urbana...wherever the hell I ended up...): mark your calendars.

13 comments:

  1. Oh my god, this made my day. My favorite parts are the drawn-in scars. OH wow.

    :)

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  2. It's tough being freakishly tall and limpy, trust me I had both knees replaced and I am also 6ft tall. Keep the sense of humor it will help.

    Just fyi it will get better, I had spent 2yrs in a chair before they did my surgery and it took me a full yr to walk pretty normally.

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  3. Great stuff! Finally some diagrams, the drawn in scars are cute.
    At least us young ones know now how to have a bit of fun without dislocating!!

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  4. thanks for the information on this blog! I find it very interesting and entertaining! hopefully soon have updates that I love your post! I thank you too!
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  5. well i don t think that can be true, i think all the best moves were the oness you said yiou shouldnt do, if you wanna make sure that ylou wont hurt yourself, do stretches everyday! thats what helps for great sex :)

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  6. thanks for the diagrams i fucked my wife so hard she was paralyzed for 2 days!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. ye me to my wife screamed and screamed for 2 hours!!!!!!!

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  8. thanks for the pics my husband fucked me so hard my pussy was sore for 3 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  9. Thanks for your diagroms, i will try after my marriage

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  10. hahahaha Sore for 3days Damn wife is that....

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  11. nice position huh...now i know what will be my next position to Gf....

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