Sunday, January 24, 2010

Sorry, TSA. I Think I Need a Sword in a Cane

I've been trying for awhile to find a better cane. Granted, my cane is no longer a suspect in my attempted murder, but that doesn't mean that it's meeting my mobility needs. Ok, actually it's doing an OK job with my walking-related mobility needs, but when it comes to social mobility, let's just say that I might as well leave my house wearing a sweatshirt with the face of a kitten with a Bedazzled collar on it. (Though, according to the website, the cane does come in a variety of patterns including 'camouflage' and 'floral' so maybe I just need to upgrade. That camouflage cane will come in handy for all the hunting I do....until I drop it on a rock and startle all game in a 20-mile radius).

Well, today the power of the internets solved my cane dilemma. Did you know that the TSA has confiscated over 200 canes with swords in them?! Why haven't I already gotten in on this? I mean, you probably need a waxed moustache and a Spanish accent to properly pull off the sword-in-cane look...and you'd probably need to twirl said cane or at least pose rakishly with it to get maximum effect....but still! The my-cane-might-conceal-a-dangerous-weapon look is a look I could rock.

Maybe I don't even need to have an actual sword because, let's face it, I would impale myself or someone else accidentally within 24 hours. Maybe I just need a cane that's badass enough to make people think that there might be a deadly weapon in there. A cane that says, "Don't make me unsheath whatever's lurking inside the shaft of this bad boy" (that's what he said). A cane that says, "Perhaps this is a mobility aid that allows me to walk in a less gimpy manner....or maybe it's where I keep my ninja sword!" I'm not sure what such a cane would look like (black lacquer?) but if you have any suggestions I'm open to them.

Because, let's face it, there's nothing people like better than overreacting to airport threats. One German guy gets caught with a sword in his cane and suddenly all the rest of us are going to be pulled aside for some TSA-sanctioned foreplay. Even by mentioning this, I've probably found myself on some sort of no-fly list, haven't I? Oh well. I guess any kind of fondling (even if it involves rubber gloves and the phrase "I'm just going to check to make sure you don't have artificial skin") increases my social mobility.

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